what truly matters

For me the struggle with writing a blog is does anything I have to say matter or even have value?  This is something that I have been wanting to do for years but yet the fear of not wanting to be rejected has paralyzed me.  It got me thinking into how much fear really paralyzes me from doing things that I love.  How many times I am more concerned about how others will view me than pursuing my dreams.  Its something I have struggled with all through growing up, and although even though I have told myself that I’ve grown out of it, here it is still staring me in the face.

what will others think…

Ahhh I just get so frustrated at myself that I still care about it.  I have read books, prayed and talked with people about letting it go, but yet this may be the first physical thing I have down in awhile despite my inward fear of rejection.

letting go of fear

Noah and I on his first day of first grade last year

As my son began school last year he had a lot of anxiety about starting at a new place and meeting new friends.  I prayed over and over for him, Joshua 1:9; “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” How ironic it seems now that a verse I prayed for my 7 year old son would speak so loudly to me.  Here God is telling Joshua to listen to his heart and follow God’s prompting to lead the people to the promised land.  How many times I sit and overanalyze decisions and promptings from the Lord because I am so filled with fear to step out.  Clear as day God urges us to not be afraid because thank you Jesus, He is with us wherever we go.

Turning thirty this year, has forced me to analyze what I am doing with my time and how my own anxious thoughts still have a steady hold on me.  Yes I am a mom and and a wife and I run this crazy house, but who am I beyond that? Is that all that I am?  I mean I love my kids more than they’ll ever know and I adore my husband and love watching him grow and pursue his dreams.  But my secret fear is that I will get swallowed up by all of it and ten years from now I will be turning forty and be wondering what I have done over the past ten years.

I want to do more than just plop in front of the tv each night, folding laundry and looking at pinterest, thinking I wish I could be that creative or envying people’s pantry organization skills.

Although —- truth be told that will still be my life majority of the nights.

I am committing to begin to carve out one or two nights a week where I give myself the freedom to reconnect with my creative side and the way that God wired me. Whether that’s by writing here or sewing up a storm or learning to cross stitch or even tackling my long list of DIY projects.  Life with kids is so much shorter than I even realize and I desperately want my kids to grow up in a house where creativity is pursued by everyone, even their mom.  How can I expect them to pursue their creative outlets if they aren’t seeing that example even in small ways by me.  So I am giving my self freedom to walk away from the mess and the dirty clothes and the cluttered dining room table.    I am pretty sure that I will be the only one who knows the sink was the only thing that got wiped in the bathroom this week and that the wet clothes stayed in the washer overnight.  I mean lets be honest folks it was only this one time!!  I never do those sort of things on a regular basis!

I am pretty sure that 98% of the time my kids, my husband, and my house responsibilities will come first, but I am going to fight hard to not let that 2% slip through my fingers just because I can’t have any more than that.

Step one in pursing an authentic life for myself is first admitting that I am in no way perfect, and removing the pressures I feel to have all things looking like they are perfect!  Thank goodness that we are loved by a God, that despite our fears and failures His mercies are new each morning.

-Tiffany

Comments

  1. You are sharing the heart of many and I believe that your balance of realization is beautiful…to admit to what will be 98% of your life and yet at the same time not to surrender the remaining 2% to the same is courageous and so very, very worth it. There will come a time, albeit many days away, that those percentages will be very different and you will be thankful that you have not waited until then to rediscover and seize the wonder of who YOU are as an individual and as a critical part of what makes you an amazing wife and mom.

  2. Tiffany, this is my first time reading your blog. I don’t know if its your first post or just my first time seeing it … Anyway … Thank you for sharing. I feel the exact same way this week. I have even considered starting a blog, but I’m not a blogger, or a writer at all. I am just a busy wife and mom of 3 with lots of jumbled thoughts that I want to get out. Thanks for encouraging me.
    Laurie

    • Hey Laurie, I actually just started! It’s something I wanted to do for awhile now, you should totally do it I would read yours!

  3. Oh and it’s funny, because I jut told my husband this week that I would like to get my craft room set up … It seemed to become a storage room. 😉

  4. This totally hits home for so many moms. Fear and Time – 2 giant adversaries in our lives! Keep writing, and we’ll keep reading. Great job :)

  5. “what truly matters…” a bit ironic (although i do not believe in irony…) because we all know that what truly matters is how you form your little spawn to be Christ centered, well adjusted, confident without being braggish or boastful, beautiful beings to prayerfully raise Christ centered, well adjusted, confident, yadda yadda yadda and so forth and so on. Being on the almost 50 (gulp!) end of your and many other young moms journey, maybe this can help. What you do with your “me” time is sooooo varied for sooooo many. I was the “crafty mom” and to this day remember so many fun times and days spent with simple, beautiful moments that created the girls we have. I personally used to belittle my purpose by snubbing my job in retail as YUK! Then by prayer and reassurance from people in my life that lift me up, I came to the realization that I LOVE people. All kinds of people and being around them and helping them on a daily basis. Sure, I could have furthered my career, gone onward and upward. The sky’s the limit, but to what cost? My beautiful little nucleus of 3 daughters would have most definately have suffered. I know I’m where I’m supposed to be every minute of everyday. My purpose has been written many many moons ago by an AWESOME “writer”. Life is so hurried, and the simple, quiet, reflective times are often overlooked. But you, our amazing, selfless, beautiful Tiffany capture them. I know it. I love you…(but don’t underestimate a backyard firepit with your hubs and a nice bottle of wine for those times you both need rejuvenation! And you will… :) )

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