Wrecked

I have talked a lot about how I am a type A personality.

Which is a nice way of saying I like control – like a lot.

My perfect life would consist of a Q&A page where I can ask God any question about the future, and recieve a reassuring “specific” answer, in a timely fashion of course.  There would be no worrying, no doubting, no overanalyzing, no fear of the unknown.

Sadly in my real life- there is no Q&A page.  I am pushed to navigate through all my questions myself and have faith.  While pushing myself to surrender to a God that is in more in control than I will ever be.

This week, my husband told me about this sermon he had listened to, which he said pretty much wrecked him.  It’s called “Jesus and We” and its by Craig Groeschel.  Even at 4 minutes in, I could tell that this would be one that would challenege my inner thought process.

“You can have faith, or you can have control – you can’t have both” he said.  This is the exact moment in his message where I got wrecked as well.  I can have faith or I can have control, but I can’t have both.  Seriously I need to get a tattoo of this or something.  (Well I mean I’d  like to think I would get a tattoo if I was brave and not worried I would change my mind the next day – major control & fear issues people – one day at a time!)  But for real, when you start to say this over and over, and really let it sink in, it kinda does wreck you.

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It wrecks your thinking.

It wrecks the way you make decisions.

It wrecks your cute little pintrest perfect life that you’ve been striving towards.

It just flat out wrecks you.

I want so badly to have the kind of faith that pleases God, the kind of faith that doesn’t doubt, the kind of faith that has no fear of the unknown.  Most days I wonder if my desire for control outweighs my desire for that kind of faith?  I have some things on my heart that I truly believe God has placed there.  Things I can’t stop thinking about, no matter how hard or crazy they seem.  The amount of courage and faith it would take to put these into action overwhelms me because I know I would be loosing the “control” I think I have within my life.

If your wondering what one of my new signs will be for this year – you can bet a design is coming for this quote!

Because I need to be wrecked by this on a daily basis.  If I want to live this life that I believe God has called us all to live, I need to have faith more than I need to have control.  We all do.

Praying right now for God to give me a greater desire for FAITH than for CONTROL.

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my feet may fail

I am not a fan of the saying, “Just put one foot in front of the other”.   I am that girl that needs to physically see where I am putting my foot down as I take the next step.  I need to know what is around the corner.  I do not like surprises.  I try with all my might to prepare myself for the unknown.  Call it controlling, call it type A personality, to me its how I am wired.  I am wired in a way that I have to tell myself on a daily basis that I am not in charge.  I am not in control.  I will not always be prepared for the unknown.

To me, there is no fun in not knowing, there is no thrill in the new and unfamiliar.

Instead there are anxious thoughts that loom during the night keeping me from rest.

I am on a journey to understand that there is a God that knows where my feet will land.  He knows when the next storm is coming and how I will be changed by it, and what I will learn through it.  He is someone that never leaves even though the feelings of loneliness linger.

Even though I can’t always feel it….. I am being led.

I am not leading.

I am being led.

I am being led.

I am being led.

The more I say it the more true it begins to feel.

I am being led by the God who knew me before I was, where I am, and where I am going.

So I close my eyes and with faith, I lift up my foot and trust in His placement of it.

I will call upon your name

Keep my eyes above the rain

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in your embrace

For I am yours, and you are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand be my guide

My feet may fail and fear surrounds

You never fail and you won’t stop now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Take me deeper than my faith could ever wonder

Hillsong United – Oceans

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