Wrecked

I have talked a lot about how I am a type A personality.

Which is a nice way of saying I like control – like a lot.

My perfect life would consist of a Q&A page where I can ask God any question about the future, and recieve a reassuring “specific” answer, in a timely fashion of course.  There would be no worrying, no doubting, no overanalyzing, no fear of the unknown.

Sadly in my real life- there is no Q&A page.  I am pushed to navigate through all my questions myself and have faith.  While pushing myself to surrender to a God that is in more in control than I will ever be.

This week, my husband told me about this sermon he had listened to, which he said pretty much wrecked him.  It’s called “Jesus and We” and its by Craig Groeschel.  Even at 4 minutes in, I could tell that this would be one that would challenege my inner thought process.

“You can have faith, or you can have control – you can’t have both” he said.  This is the exact moment in his message where I got wrecked as well.  I can have faith or I can have control, but I can’t have both.  Seriously I need to get a tattoo of this or something.  (Well I mean I’d  like to think I would get a tattoo if I was brave and not worried I would change my mind the next day – major control & fear issues people – one day at a time!)  But for real, when you start to say this over and over, and really let it sink in, it kinda does wreck you.

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It wrecks your thinking.

It wrecks the way you make decisions.

It wrecks your cute little pintrest perfect life that you’ve been striving towards.

It just flat out wrecks you.

I want so badly to have the kind of faith that pleases God, the kind of faith that doesn’t doubt, the kind of faith that has no fear of the unknown.  Most days I wonder if my desire for control outweighs my desire for that kind of faith?  I have some things on my heart that I truly believe God has placed there.  Things I can’t stop thinking about, no matter how hard or crazy they seem.  The amount of courage and faith it would take to put these into action overwhelms me because I know I would be loosing the “control” I think I have within my life.

If your wondering what one of my new signs will be for this year – you can bet a design is coming for this quote!

Because I need to be wrecked by this on a daily basis.  If I want to live this life that I believe God has called us all to live, I need to have faith more than I need to have control.  We all do.

Praying right now for God to give me a greater desire for FAITH than for CONTROL.

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I could write about how I have neglected this blog.

I could write about how life was busy and we worked hard the past two months, like really hard.

But really….

I don’t want to focus on that right now.  My desire this year is to seek out the joy that this life has and let it overflow my heart with gratitude.

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Life is teaching me that there is joy to be found everywhere – in every broken crack in my shiny not so perfect life – in every major stress that presses on our hearts – all around the chaos that three kids, a puppy, and a hubby in ministry bring.

There is joy.

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If I seek it – it is there to remind me that God is good.  His goodness and His joy are laced through every place of my life.  Most days it seems that my eyes are on auto focus, trained to focus on the stress; focus on how hard things are.  It has become my default setting – constantly consumed with how hard things are and constantly talking about how stressful life is right now.

There are so many goals I could have for this year; be a more present mom, a better wife, have a more healthy lifestyle, exercise more.  All of which are good, like really good.

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But more importantly, I want to be training my eyes to switch off of auto, and manually start focusing on the joy around me.  Begin to really start each day with gratitude, and remember that no matter what God places in our lives this year or this very day – we will remain joyful in knowing that He will keep carrying us.  Through the pain, through the tears, pointing us towards the immeasurable joy that will flood our hearts and fill us with gratitude.

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He has given me so much to be thankful for.  Why let another year go by focused on the stresses of life instead of the joy?

Follow me this year on instagram, @tgowesky and use #focusonjoy, as we start 2015 together with the right focus.

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Training myself to be still

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Sometimes I am almost terrified to be still with God.

I worry a lot, about a lot.

Instead of going to God with my anxious feelings, I worry.  Somehow I think the worry will conquer something…it doesn’t.

I often think that if I am still long enough with God, he will want to show me things I need to change.  Most days I can’t even go to that thought of changing myself.  I am just tired, I’m overwhelmed, and just weary from life.  Change is often hard for me and just the thought of one more thing on my plate to work harder at is plain old exhausting.

Lately when I have been running and painting I have had a lot of time to think and sort of go over why I automatically think that God wants to tell me the things I need to change.

Why do I think he wants me to feel guilty about the things I am not “perfect” at?

What if God just wants me to be still and know that He loves me?  What if He just wants me to be reminded that today He is with me…  What is He wants me to be still with Him so I can hear His gently voice telling me He cares about it all, every small detail of my day?

I am practicing a new method of combating my worries and my anxious thoughts.  Super silly and ridiously simple, but I put on some music, sit down, close my eyes, and repeat His words.

I repeat over and over that He is God, the ruler of all.

I repeat that He is sovereign and nothing is out of His control.

I remind myself over and over again how He loves me unconditionally.

How his view of me is so different than how I see myself.

He sees me as whole and not broken, and rejoices in the fact that I am not perfect.  Because if I was He wouldn’t be needed.

I thank God that His perfect grace fills in the cracks in my broken life.

I let the promises sink in and breathe.  I breathe every word in as slowly as its needed.

I am daily retraining my fleshly view of God to be less about guilt and more about love.  Thankfully His love is more abundant than I could ever imagine.